2012.04.21
僕の仔犬が
so many new things happening recently. major shifts in paradigms, and new beginnings. but overall i welcome these changes. excited as to what the future holds, and excited to get out of my comfort zone, and start afresh somewhere. in a job that doesn't quite fit my ideal job scope. in a sport that actually utilizes more of the bicep rather than the quadricep.
also have alot of things to look forward to, like paycheques and the revamping of my wardrobe and daubing around in search of a style that suits me. seems like there are many reasons to smile nowadays, despite the onslaught of exams.
the storm has truly blown over, and the chivas regal bottle on my shelf has become dusty.
also have alot of things to look forward to, like paycheques and the revamping of my wardrobe and daubing around in search of a style that suits me. seems like there are many reasons to smile nowadays, despite the onslaught of exams.
the storm has truly blown over, and the chivas regal bottle on my shelf has become dusty.
2012.02.12
終わりにしましょう
i'm never going to be pulled back. everybody will act normal. i will act normal. but inside my head i'm in some sort of private hell.
back then being blur would at worst result in a loss of a handphone, or having to take the long way because i got on the wrong bus. i can't believe i went through so many months being completely fucking clueless through the whispers and the cold stares and the lack of interest whatsoever. maybe if i noticed i could have prevented this shit. being blur has never been so harmful. had been so utterly absorbed in playing with my own lego set in one corner and ignoring everyone and had no idea i was stepping on toes. told myself i have to bloody wake up my idea and look around next time. but now i feel like i'm cowering in a corner instead.
because now. every word that has a double meaning, every change in expression, every stray conversation will be perceived as malicious. and every little thing i do, i have to worry about its consequences. and be concerned about the way i look and the expressions i make.
most will probably tell me it's all in my head and i need to get over it. and that i probably have to do it alone because it was all my fault in the first place and i brought it on myself. they're right. it's all in my head. but my thoughts are killing me. wonder if they'll realise exactly how harsh it is and how badly i've taken this blow. dont think so.. i dont think humans will think too much for someone whom you think should take all the blame. that's why i yearn for kindness now. hands. don't have.
but what's done is done i guess... i'll never again feel like i'm part of this year's IVP, even if i am as proud of it as they are. i can no longer join in the celebrations. and i am bitter that it has been perceived that all the training has been for naught this year.
feels so cold now, doesn't it. and it's sad that although i know very well the people in our team are quite nice, i will perceive them as hostile because of my mistakes. maybe back then i will think this kind of thinking is stupid. but now i know. perceptions are EVERYTHING. like EVERYTHING. no longer can ignore this area. but i still dont have confidence that i'll be allowed to recover.
and fuck, it's so difficult to stop drinking.
back then being blur would at worst result in a loss of a handphone, or having to take the long way because i got on the wrong bus. i can't believe i went through so many months being completely fucking clueless through the whispers and the cold stares and the lack of interest whatsoever. maybe if i noticed i could have prevented this shit. being blur has never been so harmful. had been so utterly absorbed in playing with my own lego set in one corner and ignoring everyone and had no idea i was stepping on toes. told myself i have to bloody wake up my idea and look around next time. but now i feel like i'm cowering in a corner instead.
because now. every word that has a double meaning, every change in expression, every stray conversation will be perceived as malicious. and every little thing i do, i have to worry about its consequences. and be concerned about the way i look and the expressions i make.
most will probably tell me it's all in my head and i need to get over it. and that i probably have to do it alone because it was all my fault in the first place and i brought it on myself. they're right. it's all in my head. but my thoughts are killing me. wonder if they'll realise exactly how harsh it is and how badly i've taken this blow. dont think so.. i dont think humans will think too much for someone whom you think should take all the blame. that's why i yearn for kindness now. hands. don't have.
but what's done is done i guess... i'll never again feel like i'm part of this year's IVP, even if i am as proud of it as they are. i can no longer join in the celebrations. and i am bitter that it has been perceived that all the training has been for naught this year.
feels so cold now, doesn't it. and it's sad that although i know very well the people in our team are quite nice, i will perceive them as hostile because of my mistakes. maybe back then i will think this kind of thinking is stupid. but now i know. perceptions are EVERYTHING. like EVERYTHING. no longer can ignore this area. but i still dont have confidence that i'll be allowed to recover.
and fuck, it's so difficult to stop drinking.
2012.02.07
アホやらかす
Didn't sleep a wink last night. Gave up on sleeping and rose at 7am to head for his place. Finally fell asleep in the company of someone I trust.
Not too many around I think. Most of the texts and calls I got which showed concern about my recent insomnia and state of mind were from people outside of the team. I cannot ever forget their kindness. I seem to have forgotten how kindness felt like.
Not too many around I think. Most of the texts and calls I got which showed concern about my recent insomnia and state of mind were from people outside of the team. I cannot ever forget their kindness. I seem to have forgotten how kindness felt like.
2012.02.04
まじで死にたい
there will be some points in your life which you really really feel like dying and i'm in one of them.
met my objectives this year, but still manage to screw up royally in another area. i just can't seem to do things right. and the more i try to explain myself, the worse it'll probably get. i have no witnesses. and i am outnumbered. i did do wrong, but no one will see the things i did right or see my side of the story anymore.
but now i'm probably going to imagine accusatory stares when i go back to training. it's abit too much to bear. and i bet you can't imagine how much i want to run away now.
met my objectives this year, but still manage to screw up royally in another area. i just can't seem to do things right. and the more i try to explain myself, the worse it'll probably get. i have no witnesses. and i am outnumbered. i did do wrong, but no one will see the things i did right or see my side of the story anymore.
but now i'm probably going to imagine accusatory stares when i go back to training. it's abit too much to bear. and i bet you can't imagine how much i want to run away now.
2012.01.20
入ったかな
we actually have an awesome shot at the semis now.
despite getting the lousiest draw we could get in this tournament, and being up against 2 teams which i believe (still do) are technically better than us. but i guess attitude really counts for quite abit.
am exceedingly proud that most of the goals we scored were clearly team goals and not individual goals. makes me happy everytime i think about what we have achieved so far.
but first, i have to extract myself from the euphoria, the team politics and the emotion involved in our game. season isn't over and i still have work to do as a keeper.
despite getting the lousiest draw we could get in this tournament, and being up against 2 teams which i believe (still do) are technically better than us. but i guess attitude really counts for quite abit.
am exceedingly proud that most of the goals we scored were clearly team goals and not individual goals. makes me happy everytime i think about what we have achieved so far.
but first, i have to extract myself from the euphoria, the team politics and the emotion involved in our game. season isn't over and i still have work to do as a keeper.
2011.12.26
オ、オ、北海道
came back from 17 days in japan!
spent the first 10 days in shizuoka on a homestay program and the next 7 in hokkaido with my other half. what i took home;
1. modern japanese parenting is flawed. teach your kids to listen to you, for the first 12 years at least
2. never go running at 5am in winter at 5 degrees celsius, unless you want to spend 170 SGD on a doctor as a foreigner without insurance
3. japanese cuisine beats every other cuisine both hands down
4. talk to students of the same year in your university because you might find yourself worlds apart from a student from a senior year
5. soaking in an onsen for an hour or so is medicine for influenza
6. hot sake (atsukan) is also medicine for influenza and is less intoxicating than 'strong' chuuhai
7. i need to work my ass off at hokkaido kaiko ramen next year because i'm currently indebted to the family who owns that ramen chain
8. i want futon as one of my wedding presents
9. mount fuji is pretty pretty otaru is pretty pretty snow is pretty pretty
10. temperatures at subzero degrees celsius in hokkaido won't feel so cold when he's around <3
spent the first 10 days in shizuoka on a homestay program and the next 7 in hokkaido with my other half. what i took home;
1. modern japanese parenting is flawed. teach your kids to listen to you, for the first 12 years at least
2. never go running at 5am in winter at 5 degrees celsius, unless you want to spend 170 SGD on a doctor as a foreigner without insurance
3. japanese cuisine beats every other cuisine both hands down
4. talk to students of the same year in your university because you might find yourself worlds apart from a student from a senior year
5. soaking in an onsen for an hour or so is medicine for influenza
6. hot sake (atsukan) is also medicine for influenza and is less intoxicating than 'strong' chuuhai
7. i need to work my ass off at hokkaido kaiko ramen next year because i'm currently indebted to the family who owns that ramen chain
8. i want futon as one of my wedding presents
9. mount fuji is pretty pretty otaru is pretty pretty snow is pretty pretty
10. temperatures at subzero degrees celsius in hokkaido won't feel so cold when he's around <3