Welcome!
we actually have an awesome shot at the semis now.
despite getting the lousiest draw we could get in this tournament, and being up against 2 teams which i believe (still do) are technically better than us. but i guess attitude really counts for quite abit.
am exceedingly proud that most of the goals we scored were clearly team goals and not individual goals. makes me happy everytime i think about what we have achieved so far.
but first, i have to extract myself from the euphoria, the team politics and the emotion involved in our game. season isn't over and i still have work to do as a keeper.
despite getting the lousiest draw we could get in this tournament, and being up against 2 teams which i believe (still do) are technically better than us. but i guess attitude really counts for quite abit.
am exceedingly proud that most of the goals we scored were clearly team goals and not individual goals. makes me happy everytime i think about what we have achieved so far.
but first, i have to extract myself from the euphoria, the team politics and the emotion involved in our game. season isn't over and i still have work to do as a keeper.
simplicity at its most powerful
floorball camp was surprisingly fun.
was probably because the bulk of us played the games with such heart and enthusiasm that we enjoyed ourselves, despite my usual dislike of camp and such camp activities.
we also played 2 friendlies, both of which we lost. frankly i wasn't surprised we did, given that we are team which looks quite polished and scary on court but cannot bite. we have skilled players who look good on court passing the ball around but some reason the score on our side is usually zero. as to why so, i honestly do not know. it's for the players to figure out.
and my job is to figure out how to keep the score on the opponent's side as low as possible, but truth is i don't know how to anymore. my goalkeeping is a tiny white area and one big gray area. i ask so many questions as to what to do in certain situations as a keeper; what to do when my miserably short arms can't reach a far end shot, what to do when there's a struggle in front of the goal area and the ball suddenly shoots out, what to do when there's a free hit and your vision is obscured by many people and the pass gets through followed by a direct shot etc etc and the answer is always a vague 'be faster lor' 'try to make yourself big lor' or some other intangible solution that i don't quite know how to make tangible.
and since i'm entering into a new phase and a new outlook on what floorball means to me, i've finally accepted that it's okay to not have the answers because there is none. i've spent years refusing to believe there aren't things i cannot control and the world is at my fingertips if i work harder than everyone else. but i have achieved peace of mind by turning the gray areas black.
i used to think that if i concede there's always something i could have done to not concede and that i have failed a keeper whose main job is to cover the team's backside. but i now see there are things which i can't do, there are certain shots in situations that i just can't save unless i'm lucky that day, therefore i have to rely on my teammates to cover my backside by either blocking the shot for me or scoring more than our opponents lest we were to concede that goal. if i made a stupid mistake, it was up to my teammates to cover up for me by scoring to make up for that goal just as it was up to me to block something due to a silly mistake by one of them. if that doesn't happen, we have failed each other and the blame is shared. and there will be no reason to blame oneself nor feel sad about the outcome of the game.
and when i realised that my burden suddenly became very light. letting in goals was no longer devastating, it was just plain annoying. there is no more anger on court and the loss of a match is no longer that much of an issue.
that said, i accept that it is quite unlikely we would win the strong opponents in our group this IVP, even though everyone is required to say the opposite to be politically correct. to be blunt, to get into the semis would be a miracle. but miracles do happen and no one knows what the future lies. and this is really what i wanted to say at camp debrief instead of sitting and listening to the nauseating 'we can surely win' or 'let's go get the victory we deserve for training so hard' or 'as long we run our hardest and do our best we will be able to beat NTU or SIM'. maybe realising this can actually help us play better by taking some some of the burden off our shoulders. but i'd probably get stoned by the seniors if these leave my mouth so i'll keep my silence.
i probably sound like a keeper who isn't aiming for national team. but i still am. i have only found inner peace. what's not mine will not be mine, and if i deserve it it will come. if i graduate as a normal keeper who served out her term without being able to wear a jersey with our national flag on it, i will still believe in my own worth.
don't you know my dear, that some of this strength came from you? <3
was probably because the bulk of us played the games with such heart and enthusiasm that we enjoyed ourselves, despite my usual dislike of camp and such camp activities.
we also played 2 friendlies, both of which we lost. frankly i wasn't surprised we did, given that we are team which looks quite polished and scary on court but cannot bite. we have skilled players who look good on court passing the ball around but some reason the score on our side is usually zero. as to why so, i honestly do not know. it's for the players to figure out.
and my job is to figure out how to keep the score on the opponent's side as low as possible, but truth is i don't know how to anymore. my goalkeeping is a tiny white area and one big gray area. i ask so many questions as to what to do in certain situations as a keeper; what to do when my miserably short arms can't reach a far end shot, what to do when there's a struggle in front of the goal area and the ball suddenly shoots out, what to do when there's a free hit and your vision is obscured by many people and the pass gets through followed by a direct shot etc etc and the answer is always a vague 'be faster lor' 'try to make yourself big lor' or some other intangible solution that i don't quite know how to make tangible.
and since i'm entering into a new phase and a new outlook on what floorball means to me, i've finally accepted that it's okay to not have the answers because there is none. i've spent years refusing to believe there aren't things i cannot control and the world is at my fingertips if i work harder than everyone else. but i have achieved peace of mind by turning the gray areas black.
i used to think that if i concede there's always something i could have done to not concede and that i have failed a keeper whose main job is to cover the team's backside. but i now see there are things which i can't do, there are certain shots in situations that i just can't save unless i'm lucky that day, therefore i have to rely on my teammates to cover my backside by either blocking the shot for me or scoring more than our opponents lest we were to concede that goal. if i made a stupid mistake, it was up to my teammates to cover up for me by scoring to make up for that goal just as it was up to me to block something due to a silly mistake by one of them. if that doesn't happen, we have failed each other and the blame is shared. and there will be no reason to blame oneself nor feel sad about the outcome of the game.
and when i realised that my burden suddenly became very light. letting in goals was no longer devastating, it was just plain annoying. there is no more anger on court and the loss of a match is no longer that much of an issue.
that said, i accept that it is quite unlikely we would win the strong opponents in our group this IVP, even though everyone is required to say the opposite to be politically correct. to be blunt, to get into the semis would be a miracle. but miracles do happen and no one knows what the future lies. and this is really what i wanted to say at camp debrief instead of sitting and listening to the nauseating 'we can surely win' or 'let's go get the victory we deserve for training so hard' or 'as long we run our hardest and do our best we will be able to beat NTU or SIM'. maybe realising this can actually help us play better by taking some some of the burden off our shoulders. but i'd probably get stoned by the seniors if these leave my mouth so i'll keep my silence.
i probably sound like a keeper who isn't aiming for national team. but i still am. i have only found inner peace. what's not mine will not be mine, and if i deserve it it will come. if i graduate as a normal keeper who served out her term without being able to wear a jersey with our national flag on it, i will still believe in my own worth.
don't you know my dear, that some of this strength came from you? <3
first IVP match in 2 weeks.
this is craziness, i havent played floorball in a month.
but somehow i feel empty. apathetic. void of expectations, both for the team and myself. this situation is so different from last year, when i was practically on fire. it's quite scary, to think how my priorities and goals have shifted, and how floorball have plunged down the list. have i found fulfillment elsewhere because i have disappointed myself too many times playing floorball over here?
goodness, i dont know. but it does feel as if i have let go of something really important. it's as if my heart and mind is somewhere else now, rather than on the court.
though i dislike people saying this, i have to admit they are right.. my best and brightest times playing floorball would be in JC while wearing the NJC floorball jersey. i still cant say with feel that i wear the NUS jersey with the same pride. but there is no use in looking back; like it or not i still have to play IVP in 2 weeks, i still have to focus on getting back my momentum. with the sad knowledge that i'm starting to care less and less about the game.
major ones ahead?
this is craziness, i havent played floorball in a month.
but somehow i feel empty. apathetic. void of expectations, both for the team and myself. this situation is so different from last year, when i was practically on fire. it's quite scary, to think how my priorities and goals have shifted, and how floorball have plunged down the list. have i found fulfillment elsewhere because i have disappointed myself too many times playing floorball over here?
goodness, i dont know. but it does feel as if i have let go of something really important. it's as if my heart and mind is somewhere else now, rather than on the court.
though i dislike people saying this, i have to admit they are right.. my best and brightest times playing floorball would be in JC while wearing the NJC floorball jersey. i still cant say with feel that i wear the NUS jersey with the same pride. but there is no use in looking back; like it or not i still have to play IVP in 2 weeks, i still have to focus on getting back my momentum. with the sad knowledge that i'm starting to care less and less about the game.
major ones ahead?
came back from 17 days in japan!
spent the first 10 days in shizuoka on a homestay program and the next 7 in hokkaido with my other half. what i took home;
1. modern japanese parenting is flawed. teach your kids to listen to you, for the first 12 years at least
2. never go running at 5am in winter at 5 degrees celsius, unless you want to spend 170 SGD on a doctor as a foreigner without insurance
3. japanese cuisine beats every other cuisine both hands down
4. talk to students of the same year in your university because you might find yourself worlds apart from a student from a senior year
5. soaking in an onsen for an hour or so is medicine for influenza
6. hot sake (atsukan) is also medicine for influenza and is less intoxicating than 'strong' chuuhai
7. i need to work my ass off at hokkaido kaiko ramen next year because i'm currently indebted to the family who owns that ramen chain
8. i want futon as one of my wedding presents
9. mount fuji is pretty pretty otaru is pretty pretty snow is pretty pretty
10. temperatures at subzero degrees celsius in hokkaido won't feel so cold when he's around <3
spent the first 10 days in shizuoka on a homestay program and the next 7 in hokkaido with my other half. what i took home;
1. modern japanese parenting is flawed. teach your kids to listen to you, for the first 12 years at least
2. never go running at 5am in winter at 5 degrees celsius, unless you want to spend 170 SGD on a doctor as a foreigner without insurance
3. japanese cuisine beats every other cuisine both hands down
4. talk to students of the same year in your university because you might find yourself worlds apart from a student from a senior year
5. soaking in an onsen for an hour or so is medicine for influenza
6. hot sake (atsukan) is also medicine for influenza and is less intoxicating than 'strong' chuuhai
7. i need to work my ass off at hokkaido kaiko ramen next year because i'm currently indebted to the family who owns that ramen chain
8. i want futon as one of my wedding presents
9. mount fuji is pretty pretty otaru is pretty pretty snow is pretty pretty
10. temperatures at subzero degrees celsius in hokkaido won't feel so cold when he's around <3
tired from crying, so let's try to speak in max lucardo language.
but i know all about eli, i was on the recieving end of His kindness, and i also know he built the wall to protect us. but like paladin i crawled outside through the hole and couldn't find it again. but i also know eli is somewhere with His staff, waiting for me to come back long before i crawled out. that he is still looking out for someone who has lived most of her life loitering around the walls.
but wemmicks are trying to drag me back to eli even when i'm not quite ready. they mean well, but this special wemmick who professes to be head of the house in eli's name gave me many gray dot stickers while trying to get me to sit in eli's workshop again. i don't know if they are dragging me towards the workshop or away from it, and i'm sure they can't be sure either. however the laws of physics apply anyhow, if you drag a wemmick through a wall without a hole, the wemmick will smash into a thousand wooden splinters upon contact force.
however the gray dots stickers really hurt, and they wouldn't drop off. maybe even if they did eventually over time, the sticky residue will remain on my wooden surface.
so even if i obey eli by obeying this special wemmick's command to go the workshop, i can't seem to overcome the very childish temptation to sit at eli's doorstep with my back against Him just to feel like i've won a row when i also know there are no winners and losers. disuse and the chemicals from the gray dot stickers are seeping into my wood and staining my very soul. i feel condemned, sadly not sensitive enough to feel condemned by eli but by the wemmicks i love.
dearest eli, would you wash everything out for me and make me clean? scrub my eyelids and erase data from my rotting wooden hippocampus so i can go to sleep in peace?
but i know all about eli, i was on the recieving end of His kindness, and i also know he built the wall to protect us. but like paladin i crawled outside through the hole and couldn't find it again. but i also know eli is somewhere with His staff, waiting for me to come back long before i crawled out. that he is still looking out for someone who has lived most of her life loitering around the walls.
but wemmicks are trying to drag me back to eli even when i'm not quite ready. they mean well, but this special wemmick who professes to be head of the house in eli's name gave me many gray dot stickers while trying to get me to sit in eli's workshop again. i don't know if they are dragging me towards the workshop or away from it, and i'm sure they can't be sure either. however the laws of physics apply anyhow, if you drag a wemmick through a wall without a hole, the wemmick will smash into a thousand wooden splinters upon contact force.
however the gray dots stickers really hurt, and they wouldn't drop off. maybe even if they did eventually over time, the sticky residue will remain on my wooden surface.
so even if i obey eli by obeying this special wemmick's command to go the workshop, i can't seem to overcome the very childish temptation to sit at eli's doorstep with my back against Him just to feel like i've won a row when i also know there are no winners and losers. disuse and the chemicals from the gray dot stickers are seeping into my wood and staining my very soul. i feel condemned, sadly not sensitive enough to feel condemned by eli but by the wemmicks i love.
dearest eli, would you wash everything out for me and make me clean? scrub my eyelids and erase data from my rotting wooden hippocampus so i can go to sleep in peace?
in a funny sort of way, that dream actually came true.
sigh.
mixed feelings about the outcome of SUNIG this year.
looking back, i can think of ways i could have gotten us a draw at least, and the champion trophy. then again, everyone probably could think of stuff they could have done to get us to win. problem is that i don't know why i did not. why i conceded goals by the same person 4 times, and what to do to prevent future re-occurrences.
because honestly, i'm not satisfied with just being a decent keeper. silly as it seems i can't let go of the dream to one day stand at the top of the field with the few who could get there. someone who actually makes a difference, who is powerful enough to influence the flow of the game, someone who would be mentioned in a coach's warning as a real threat to our opponents. that is what i want to give to my team, because ultimately that is what they want and need.
become faster. become fiercer. become stronger. become smarter on court. how? how long would it take to get there? and how is it that something already so far away could get further out of reach?
mixed feelings about the outcome of SUNIG this year.
looking back, i can think of ways i could have gotten us a draw at least, and the champion trophy. then again, everyone probably could think of stuff they could have done to get us to win. problem is that i don't know why i did not. why i conceded goals by the same person 4 times, and what to do to prevent future re-occurrences.
because honestly, i'm not satisfied with just being a decent keeper. silly as it seems i can't let go of the dream to one day stand at the top of the field with the few who could get there. someone who actually makes a difference, who is powerful enough to influence the flow of the game, someone who would be mentioned in a coach's warning as a real threat to our opponents. that is what i want to give to my team, because ultimately that is what they want and need.
become faster. become fiercer. become stronger. become smarter on court. how? how long would it take to get there? and how is it that something already so far away could get further out of reach?
can't stop looking on with envy.
if anyone asked i'd say that i gave up that lifestyle of my own accord, but the truth is that i don't have the attitude nor personality nor appearance to acquire it, nor the ability to handle it even if i did.
but i still cant stop myself from looking wistfully from afar.
if anyone asked i'd say that i gave up that lifestyle of my own accord, but the truth is that i don't have the attitude nor personality nor appearance to acquire it, nor the ability to handle it even if i did.
but i still cant stop myself from looking wistfully from afar.
the crux: shifting my priorities to put the team above floorball is so not my style.
it's bitter regret that i'm feeling now, and i hope these black thoughts go away in due time so it won't cloud my judgement and allow me to do stupid acts of indiscretion that will burn my bridges.
but i would have thought that making it clear from the very beginning that unfortunately, for me floorball comes first and not the communal goal but i guess it was naivete on my part to think that i would be able to escape the parts of my committee duties which clash with my own policies.
but i was, i repeat, past tense, motivated by a genuine desire to serve. despite the lone wolf attitude i take towards sport (8 years of being alone on the battlefield as a table tennis player don't just fade away) i had loved carrying burdens for my team in my stint in NJ because it was what held me in place and pulled me back, against my natural tendency to walk as an independent body. because i knew, these people would watch my back for me and will be unlikely to give up halfway through a match.
it was great fun back then helping the team grow, and i thought i could do the same again for this team, but i forget. that while back then all we had was a fight to get ahead, floorball has now morphed from a simple desire to play better floorball to a series of wrangling with people politics and polycock between coaches, sport officers and each other. it's ridiculous. all i want is to play floorball and play floorball well but it isn't so simple anymore.
so i have to examine my objectives as to why i just affiliated myself with a team and a set of duties i don't love when i don't even care about the team the way i should. i just want us to play better floorball, that's all. everything else is pretty much senseless in my opinion.
because again, politically correctness dictates that a bonded team is a winner regardless of outcome. but a bonded team which doesn't win games has probably something fundamentally wrong underneath. and i have felt that was something wrong underneath. i don't subscribe to playing floorball for people because it makes you a dependant factor on other people which are also dependant factors which makes the whole web of people so bloody fragile that one people problem can send you tumbling down. it makes a team wide open. and weak. true bondedness and true strength would come as a natural result in a group of people who love the game.
postulates which would probably be disagreed by many. which is why i'm feeling like i'm being dragged into senselessness.
but i understand, i have signed over myself, which is absolute and would not change regardless of how i feel or what misconceptions i had beforehand. so i wont drop this burden and carry it the best i can, and believe me i will, but you'll be sure i'll drop it once the contract ends.
so gonna put on some fucking performance for now, until people figure out that they'll probably like my true face more.
it's bitter regret that i'm feeling now, and i hope these black thoughts go away in due time so it won't cloud my judgement and allow me to do stupid acts of indiscretion that will burn my bridges.
but i would have thought that making it clear from the very beginning that unfortunately, for me floorball comes first and not the communal goal but i guess it was naivete on my part to think that i would be able to escape the parts of my committee duties which clash with my own policies.
but i was, i repeat, past tense, motivated by a genuine desire to serve. despite the lone wolf attitude i take towards sport (8 years of being alone on the battlefield as a table tennis player don't just fade away) i had loved carrying burdens for my team in my stint in NJ because it was what held me in place and pulled me back, against my natural tendency to walk as an independent body. because i knew, these people would watch my back for me and will be unlikely to give up halfway through a match.
it was great fun back then helping the team grow, and i thought i could do the same again for this team, but i forget. that while back then all we had was a fight to get ahead, floorball has now morphed from a simple desire to play better floorball to a series of wrangling with people politics and polycock between coaches, sport officers and each other. it's ridiculous. all i want is to play floorball and play floorball well but it isn't so simple anymore.
so i have to examine my objectives as to why i just affiliated myself with a team and a set of duties i don't love when i don't even care about the team the way i should. i just want us to play better floorball, that's all. everything else is pretty much senseless in my opinion.
because again, politically correctness dictates that a bonded team is a winner regardless of outcome. but a bonded team which doesn't win games has probably something fundamentally wrong underneath. and i have felt that was something wrong underneath. i don't subscribe to playing floorball for people because it makes you a dependant factor on other people which are also dependant factors which makes the whole web of people so bloody fragile that one people problem can send you tumbling down. it makes a team wide open. and weak. true bondedness and true strength would come as a natural result in a group of people who love the game.
postulates which would probably be disagreed by many. which is why i'm feeling like i'm being dragged into senselessness.
but i understand, i have signed over myself, which is absolute and would not change regardless of how i feel or what misconceptions i had beforehand. so i wont drop this burden and carry it the best i can, and believe me i will, but you'll be sure i'll drop it once the contract ends.
so gonna put on some fucking performance for now, until people figure out that they'll probably like my true face more.
