茉莉花の独り言

i saw signs of you everywhere in taiwan. really everywhere. i wonder how many times your face appeared in my mind, how many times your name passed my lips.

feel so wretched.

it's 1:57am, and i still feel vestiges of motion sickness from the plane back home from taiwan.

basically, i;

1. froze at alishan, it was 6 degrees plus wind plus rain.

2. spent average an eighth of each day on the bus.

3. walked around taroko gorge and felt very very very small.

4. got close up with the male physique at the aboriginese theme park, there were well toned, muscular men in nothing but loincloths (which flapped and revealed everything behind) performing for us, then of course we cant help but stare, cant we. XD. whoa, nice quadriceps. i still can picture them in my head.

5. ran amok with liu in the night markets, hardly bought anything.

6. ran amok with liu in the bookstores, blew almost all my money.

7. ate alot of good food. ate too much good food in fact, and alot of mountain pigs. i dont think i can look pork in the face anytime soon, taiwanese dont seem to eat anything but mountain pigs om winter.

8. is glad to be back, because she misses the sun, her brothers, njfb, and goalkeeping.

9. is going to sleep.

junjou romantica season 2 is out!

i must be living under rocks, it was out long ago, its run has finished, and i just found out about it.

looking forward to more nowaki x hiroki.

was thinking about next year.

by the time i come back from taiwan, it'll be year 2009. and it'll be a year with alot of shit to wade through.

not really looking forward to the next school year. seems that when i put too much of myself in another circle, i get more and more isolated from my old one. i cant help it, it was so comfortable being myself when around the floorball team, that now going back to unnatural silence and putting on a farcade will prove to be unbearable.

during O levels last year, i had strong support from classmates i trusted, friends so alike, close and connected that we literally felt that we were going through thick and thin together. they'll remind me to study, encourage me to work hard, scold me when i slacken. and O levels wasnt that scary after all.

will i be so blessed next year? probably not. okay, honestly, no.

that's why i grow cold once i think of A levels. because when my mild depression symptoms return because of academic stress, precious few will be close enough to come to prop me up.

you see, for all my big talk, i guess i'm a pretty useless person.

so can you imagine what will happen if i hadnt realised that God will be with me during those times? gallons of alcohol and antidepressants probably wont save me.

and because He's watching over me, i can put on a new smile for tomorrow, a new smile for nationals, a new smile for A levels, a new smile for next year.

what inner peace.

be strong and of a good courage, be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed. for the Lord thy God is with thee, withersoever thou goest. --joshua 1:3

in that split second, i realised how big the difference was. and i remembered the reasons why i wanted a clean slate that both of us could start with.

it's okay, actually. i'm not that affected, which itself said alot. it's just a good lesson learnt.

and i'm speaking in riddles. :/

suddenly makes me want to play floorball. goalie training is almost therapeutic. imagine having to follow and concentrate on the small white holey ball and nothing else for 45min. perfect for getting your mind off unpleasant things.

that aside, happy birthday, Jesus. love you.