rejoice, rejoice.
i finally got the answer for question 3d), 3f), 4b), 4c), from the integration tutorial. after 3 days? after redoing each question for maybe the twenty times each? and getting a different, wrong answer each time? while people with normal IQ can probably solve each sum in about 3min.
same goes for most math questions, of all topics, since the start of the year. i think i'm starting to question whether i'm retarded or not.
and then i see the abundance of As and Bs people in my class are getting.
dejected.
cant wait to do the rest of the tutorial. and to continue deluding myself that it's only a matter of how much effort i'm willing to put in to get to somewhere near their level.
which seems so far, when promos seem so near.
off to bed i go, before i spill everything, before i end up sounding overly emo, when i didnt mean to type such an entry in the first place. there's PT tomorrow. and my thigh muscles still hurt from lunges on tuesday. funny how i can still look forward to running, running, running till my legs and lungs give out.
bring it all back.
never will i let my heart be dashed out on the rocks again. esp not now.
after finishing ao no kiseki 04 - baroque pearl, i realised what a sad sad thing it is to hate your own existence. when sanshirou begged gai again and again to get off the ship with isis and raise him to be an expressive lunan with a big appetite for life (how he was supposed to be anyway) who never knew the self loathing person he would become (referring to kai), well. i think i had to fight off an urge to cry.
so not macho haha.
sad to say that i'm probably the only person in nj to have listened to ao no kiseki? again i lament the nanoscopic size of the bldrama community in singapore.
sanshirou and kai
by the way kunou chiaki wrote her novels, i think she wanted us to fall in love with kai, but i ended up liking sanshirou alot more. XDDD
sanshirou: 貝はどうしても自分を好きになれない。イシスも見たんだろう。
isis: だから、代わりに好きになってあげるの。
sanshirou: いや、内側に味方がいないなら、せめて外側で貝を許す奴がいてもいいじゃないかと思っただけだ。
isis: ヘ～
sanshirou: なあ、どうしてあんなにいやがった治療を受ける気になったんだ。
isis: 教えない。
sanshirou: おい...
isis: ＊笑＊じゃあヒントだけ。イシスと貝が同じ事を分かったから。
sanshirou: 全然答えになってない。＊yawn＊ なら、デッキでお前と貝はなにを見たんだ。
isis: それも教えない。
sanshirou: イシス...
isis: その答えは貝に聞いて。もし答えたら、それは貝の中にの僕だよ。覚えていて。
the clouds are so pretty today.
have been relistening to the ao ni kiseki (blue locus) series, all 6 series and all 11 cds.
cover pages, illustrations and very accurate english summaries of each novel
here. without these translations to help me understand all the jargony space and technology mumbo jumbo in japanese, i probably wouldnt have been able to appreciate the dramas so much.
morikawa toshiyuki as sanshirou reminds me again why morimori is touted king of bl. and after nakahara shigeru's performance as kai, i cant believe he's this veteran seiyuu who is 47 yrs old. and ao no kiseki was written by novelist kunou chiaki, who also wrote the borderline series and the gray zone series. seriously, if i go japan one day, i'll buy up all her books. i dont know how she can come up with such mind blowing plots.
my right shoulder feels like it's missing something heavy. something like.. a pink cloth bag full of stinky knee pads, lined pants and a silver helmet.
all the way, seniors. study hard for A's kay.
there's nothing much left to say. rj was good, both physically and technically, and their captain was really damn fast.
everyone's too nice to tell me so, so i shall say it myself. i played like some shit there.
wouldnt have been so upset if our opponent hadnt been rj. wept tears of anger. really really really no offence ><, but my long held grudge against the green R family has already been in place since primary school, secondary school to now in jc. which is also one key reason why i refused to go there, despite knowing that their floorball team has a court to train on, boards (boards!), and 3 (3! 0.0) coaches.
but somehow this unhappiness probably lasted for all of 3min.
9 junior girls dressed in grey went off to subway for lunch/dinner. and made alot of noise there, with all our laughter and loud voices. attracted wierd looks. then took the green line mrt, and made another horrible din there again. when we switched trains, we carried our din over. then we realised all of us were from girls' schools. (st nicks, scgs, crescent girls, etc etc)
hahaha. this is seriously not a coincidence.
no wonder it felt so comfortable around all of you, floorball provides respite from the crap from the rest of njc. and looking at all of you, well, i have a very good feeling about next year. because next year is going to be our game XD
remember what we want next year. suicides and intervals, here i come.
i dont feel like starting all the emo shit on how sad i am that we're playing our last game of the season tml
those who know me should know haha
at least we have next yr
i can see top 2 already, i'm super hungry to get top 2 next yr. dont you all see my tongue hanging out?
but let's not think too much about goal setting now, there's the match for the 3rd and 4th placing tml, let's think about how i will relentlessly sink my nails into the rj forwards' butt clefts if they shield me, and pinch very very hard until marks remain, rahhhh feel my anger.
raaa
i'm not posting like my usual self
i feel disorientated
and clueless as to how to tell the team how much i love them
go njfb, this is the last time i will post 'go njfb' on my blog this year, jasmine always behind you all. as in behind you all both figuratively and literally. i cant go beyond my keeper box anyway.
Only human
Made of flesh, made of sand, made of you and me
The planet’s talking about a revolution
The natural laws ain’t got no constitution
They’ve got a right to live their own life
But we keep paving over paradise
‘Cause we’re only human
Yes we are, only human
If it’s our only excuse do you think we’ll keep on being only human
Yes we are, yes we are
Only human, only human, only human
So far...
-Only human, by Jason Mraz.
didnt mean to post about the match today, but i still cant stop thinking of the match.
it keeps playing in my head till i couldnt sleep yesterday, even when i was dead tired. whizzing MJ shots hitting poles, or missing by centimetres (which happened quite a handful of times, by the way, the number of goals they scored could easily be more than 5.) the terror i felt when some MJ forward has the ball in front of me with no defender disturbing her, because i cannot run up to push her away, i can only scream for help. the cold feeling when i realised that i had thrown over the half line. the sickening feeling in my chest when that goal rolled in after i fully expected a hard high shot. the unexplained fatigue in my limbs, even though i dont usually get tired so soon. the strange calm feeling when the buzzer finally sounded.
i think i'm homesick for the court.
read alot of blogs. have many unspoken thoughts, which have to stay unspoken.
i dont have any inspirational poems, or quotes to give all of you, i only have me to give, so the team will have all i have to give next tuesday. i made a promise, and i will keep. go seniors, go juniors, i owe all of you hugs. big sweaty hugs in my goalie suit.
a loss.
i'm not going to mull about how we did during the match, what we did and didnt do or should have done yadayadayada. i dont think it'll help us next tuesday. shouldnt let tears or emotions overflow, shouldnt lose focus, nationals isn't over.
wasnt even there at the last moment, reappaeared with a bag of ice on my hand when the buzzer sounded. was trying to smile during the line up after the match, but once i saw my seniors' faces, well haha, i could smile no more. but still, i felt MJ played well.
i busted another finger today. the MJ captain must be damn strong, the only other person to have done this to me with a wrist shot was sueping. cool, now both my middle and fourth finger is out of action. busted middle finger no,1 from wednesday is still grossly swollen and growing blue blacks all over the finger joints. yet was badly scolded when i returned home, after i asked if i could see a doctor. OKAY. i'll wait till one of my fingers drop out or rots before i'll ever ask to see a doctor again.
thank you abi senior for running off with me in the middle of the third period to wash my abrasion. and yini for listening to my ramblings after the match. and reethie and abi senior for not hugging me half heartedly after the match. those fb juniors who had dinner together after that, thank you too. it was comforting to know you all were directly behind me when i was at the nj side. esp gabby for scoring higher than me in GP so that she have to treat the fbteam. esp abi junior who actually agreed to come with to church tml. esp karen liying zhix huishan suethoon. esp kah yee for the long talk on the mrt. esp everyone there la.i love everyone. and also liu, for calling me up to find out the score. you're probably the one outside of the fbteam who cared most and understood how much this means to me.
see, the medal, or the colour of medal might be a very very very large part of everything but it's still not everything. i think we gained alot more than that.
惨めすぎて、涙も出やしないぜ。なんか、オレの所為じゃないのにだれかに嫌われるのは慣れていない。だって、以前のオレは、問題を起こさないように、静かに人生を送っていたもの。
君の行為を説明できない。でもいいの、初めての事じゃないし。
semis against MJC tml, and i twisted my middle finger yesterday, it's now one and a half times its normal size. stupid self inflicted injury by a stupid person. cant ball my hand into a fist now, but i dont care, as long i can curl it tightly around a floorball, i'll going to give it all tml, the only difference being that it hurts.
wrote and did all my tests while sticking out a large bandaged middle finger. looks super obscene.
thank you wensong for lending me jason mraz's album :3:3:3 i think i'm in love with his 'lucky', 'coyotes', and 'i'm yours'.
i cant seem to erase the euphoria from last friday, so i shall post some pictures from redsports.sg XDDDD
the full report of the njc-vjc match
here on redsports.sg.
cat after her super cool penalty shot went in. and probably my favourite picture XD
njc captain and vjc captain shoulder to shoulder. but mer's probably the height of the vjc captain's shoulder.
guess who's that tiny person kneeling in front of the goal post.
i didnt know, actually. chewyan had to tell me on her blog. if not i would have continued thinking that this picture was from last year and that was jolynn wearing her suit :/ rahh, it's good being a goalie, it's okay if someone takes an unglam picture of you because no one will know who you are, not with the helmet on.
4 more days to the next match.
NJC vs VJC, NJC's win 7:3.
so darn proud of the whole team! seeing the wonderful smiles on their faces through my helmet the moment the buzzer sounded at the end of the last period, well, if my true feelings had their way, i'll have had tears of joy pouring down my face haha. thank you God, for leading me to join a team which stuck to each other through thick and thin XDDDD
it was amazing the way we caught up from 2:0 after the first period. i remember that during the first period, i was sitting there leaning my head against the boards trying to cool this, this anger that we were behind. was dying to play next, was dying for us to catch up, screamed into the court till my voice went hoarse.
and we did catch up, in a most glorious fashion.
okay i did concede one shot. let me go reflect on my mistakes.
but VJC did play well. there were many close shots; one shot rebounded off the pole, and the penalty missed by a few centimetres (during which i neared cardiac arrest)
i confim the fact that i idolise the MJC goalie, after watching the MJC vs RJC match just now. cool, i get to see her when we play MJC next week XD.
the guys won XDDD! NJC vs MI. 5:4. darius scored a super cool goal during a freehit. someone gave the top of fred's helmet a few pats when he was kneeling there looking forlorn after letting a goal in. i think i died from the cuteness and the yaoi-ness of that scene haha.
BLdrama: Katsuai (koyasu takehito x matsumoto yasumori)
speaking of yaoi, i'm relistening to the bldramatized version of katsuai and katsuai II bakuren by yoshihara rieko (which spans 6 cds = about 7 hours of non-stop audio) probably the 4th or 5th time i'm relistening to it.
the script is full of difficult, mind boggling, never-heard-before japanese phrases, idioms and paradoxes. everytime i relisten i understand something i didnt understand before and discover a few revelations XDD.
again i wonder why this bldrama is so addictive despite the fact that i understand only 60-70 percent of it, the general mood of the drama is always black and the characters not very likable (koyasu in katsuai played the role of the worst and most cruel seme in my bldrama listening history, no love for his uke all, rather, i wont call what he had for his uke love).
still, all the taboo topics and the 人生 and 人間 philosophies gave it a very poetic feel haha. yoshihara rieko must have been a very good author.
match against VJC tml. i feel the frissons down my back. but's because it's njfb, we'll do fine. i believe so.
友達でいたいのなら、いい加減にしろよ。オレはそんなに人良しじゃないからなぁ。
NJC vs MI; NJC won 5:0.
yay XD. though i spent most of my period stoning, because 2 players from MI fouled and spent 2min in the penalty box, one after the other, during which the MI team went on defense mode.
i still think that MI player has a really cool orange blade. i think i'm going to break mine soon, with all the failed slapshot attempts and brutal handling haha. after i break my blade in half i'm definitely going to get an orange blade.
had the chance to see the MJC goalie play today. hello, her throwout was as fast as a bullet can, not exaggerating. the ball was actually a white blur before landing. super impressed and inspired to improve my throwouts too haha. that'll take time.. and i dont have much time left till the next match :/
after a match and training, i think i should just hurry finish GP homework and go to sleep, if not i wont be able to drag myself out of bed for physical training tml.
taking a break from PW. i now feel a sense of deja vu everytime i open up a file titled 'GPP gaming' or 'Research Document.'
Gintama
have been watched gintama episodes on the train on the way home from school and floorball trainings for the past few weeks. i can never know how its producers manage to come up with such hilarious bullshit and ribald jokes for so many episodes. but still, i look forward to each episode with much zeal haha XD, despite its relatively plotless nature, i did see some resemblance of a plot in episode 58-61, but that was all. still, it was worth it to hear koyasu takehito's low low low velvety voice as shinsuke takasugi; another typical twisted, cold, cruel but nevertheless sexy guy that koyasu is forever (forever!) getting cast as.
you know, the definition of 夜叉 (yasha), according to JWPce, is 'female demon'.
i wonder what that makes gintoki since his former nickname was 白夜叉. white female demon haha? good, anything to make him more uke-able. i support takasugi x gintoki fluff. *grinnnn*
Moon Child
yes, this is a super old movie from goodness knows when because it was shown on tv years ago, but i suddenly had this urge to rewatch it when i saw its vcd on sale XD.
dont regret buying it at all. being able to see Gackt and Hyde in tight clothes and skinny jeans and their rather ambiguous relationship in the movie is probably worth its price already, though i cant say much of their acting skills, both of them are not veterans in the Jrock scene for nothing. it took time, but i think they're too gorgeous to resist haha XDDD.
so like this, i became a fan of Gackt and Hyde overnight. excuse me while i go contemplate which album of theirs i should start saving up for.
hello, i forgot all about PW. :/ excuse me while i go contemplate how to write the work report outline.
match with MI tml.
i left the fc2 server because of its incessant spamming, and but i'm back XDDD
even now, fc2's dashboard and functions still screw up on me haha. but i conclude that its the only server that allows me to put a profile and tagboard on the main page, after creating an account in all the others, goo, livedoor, etc etc..
やっぱり、japanese blog servers are the best.
mwahaha.
i've been dreaming about floorball for the past three nights, always about a blade opening up in front of me and the ball flying towards me. again and again. i dream about the bright lights on court, and world through the criss cross lines in front of my helmet.
how my priorities have changed. to think i destroyed my common tests for floorball. but for some wierd reason, i dont feel any regret, because i believe it will be worth it in the end.
that's right, i probably can never go back to playing table tennis, despite the fact that not too long ago, i thought it would be the only sport i'll ever play. the mindset is so different in both games. as a singles player, table tennis centers about defeating all your opponents alone. during trainings, your opponents will be your teammates. and when you dont perform up to standard, it isn't anybody's business. the frustration will be your own and no one shares it.
it's so different here. njfb, i think you dont know how hard i've fallen for you <3<3<3
ONE FOR ALL, ALL FOR ONE.LET'S GO NJFB!
