茉莉花の独り言

okay. XD

i'm going to go around with a silly smile on my face the whole of today, after seeing the heartwarming way animal X ended. love wont ever be complete, not even if it's long term, until it manifests itself in the form of a family. that's why no other yaoi manga will be able to do what animal X has done, because i doubt any other mangaka would have the skill to spin another good story involving a fertile hermaphrodite haha. and anything else would end up sounding a little shallow, though i've learnt to overlook that, if not i wont be happy with 99.99% of the yaoi manga and bldrama available now. still havent fully understood the story, because i zoomed through the volumes in my haste to get to the ending, but you can be sure i'll be rereading it.

and i feel like i'm speaking to no one again, because i'm probably the only person in njc crazy enough to have finished the 16 volume long animal X series, with its last part not translated. so i shall control myself and not go on and on haha.

JLPT 1. i still dont know why i signed up for it this year, when i have such limited studying time. my head must have been filled with water. have a grand total of a few thousand kanji and a few hundred grammar forms from last year's JLPT 2 to revise, a few thousand new kanji to learn, and 139 new level 1 grammar forms to learn. and also my reading and understanding section needs serious brushing up, because i suck impressively at it. consequence of the preference to audio dramas rather than novels. all in all, it'd a 2 to 3 year syllabus. which i'm going to valiantly attempt to squish into 2 months. how successfully i can do it, i'll find out next feb when the letter bearin my results comes. till then, i think i'll be babbling kanji in my sleep.

after reading one particular chapter of animal X vol 05 of the genshi sairai arc.. well. very unmanly,, but i think i want to go bawl my eyes out in a corner.

major spoilers, dont want to read then please dont read.

it's all the sugimoto ami, the mangaka's fault, animal X was already screwing around with my emotions when yuuji went about finding his first infant daughter, the human one, which he very very unwillingly gave up to this human couple in order protect her safety and happiness. and found nothing but her grave, in w hich lay a container containing not her remains but just shapeless flesh, because the medical researchers had tracked her down and cut her up to make her into a specimen to study. yuuji's despair, regret..
and then in volume 05, -_-. it's not as if gang-goukan hadnt happened to yuuji before, but why why why must they drug him senseless? and worse still, held not only minato but also takatori captive to watch the entire process?
i think i stoned at that page for quite some time for the horribleness of it all. because when something terrible like this happens in mainstream yaoi, the uke usually had asked for it to a certain extent, so it wasnt that bad. but yuuji.. was such an angel. was so upset that i, embarassingly, teared a little haha. wanted to rip the perpetuators' eyes out there and then. was surprised when i read on and found out that minato didnt rip the chinese dinasauroids apart after that, but boy, i sure wished he did. >(

somehow i wish yuuji and minato would both die together and finally put an end to their suffering, but unlike mainstream yaoi, they cant die because they still have yui, their second daughter. which sugimoto ami depicts as such an adorable little thing that if i reach the end of the last volume and all three of them still dont get a happy ending, i'm going to seek fresh blood mwahahaha.


yuuji and yui.

i'm going to grow extra fingers to play this one day.

dear francis poulenc, i wish i never heard your compositions. they make me depressed when i can probably press about 3/5 of your chords.

burnt my brain by bingeing on simon r green's first three nightside novels. now have this sickened disorientated feeling i always get if i bend over a book without moving for more than 3 hours.

doesnt stop me from wanting to continue with his fourth novel, after logging off haha.

animal X III - genshi sairai, 10 volumes to go, last 4 volumes in raw japanese waiting to be deciphered.. after that, there's always completion of PW. after that, there's studying for JLPT 1. i always will have things to look forward to.

only thing missing now is the mug of good beer.

guiltily spent about 40min yesterday finishing the second instalment of the animal X manga series, daichi no okite, when i was supposed to be surfing for chem answers. i've read the first one, aragami no ichizoku, quite a few years back, and remembered that the manga series was a huge punch into my network of nerves, dislocating some synapses.

what's with hermaphrodites, dinosauroids, transformations, gene manipulation, biology hubba bubba, whew. i think i only understood about half of the first instalment, which is why i couldnt comphrehend the second.

to think i started off with the audio drama? i was half asleep throughout, because all the chim biological terms in japanese befuddled me. until dear okiayuu ryoutarou said in a sombre, male tone; "僕、妊娠したかも知れません。"(i might have gotten pregnant) and promptly gave me one of the biggest shocks of my life hahahahaha.

intrigueing stuff.

there are 6 library novels by simon r. green under my table.

itching, itching to pick one up now. but cannot.

once i delve into his world, i dont think i'll want to come back, esp not now.

---

俺たちはまだちっぽけで　手のひらの中には
この手のひらの中には　何もないけど
雨に打たれ　風に吹かれ　
でも諦めないから
でも諦めたくないから
きっといつか何かを掴むんだ

we are still so little, so in the palms of our hands
in the palms of our hands, there's nothing at all
struck by rain, and blown by wind
yet i wont give up
yet i dont want to give up
surely someday i'll grab hold of something

---chippoke na yuuki, by funky monkey babys(?)
youtube link: here

でも諦めたくないから..

feel like shit.

went to the piano just now and banged out the most explosive parts of chopin's fantasie impromptu and ballade no.1 in Gm, with all of the vitriol i could muster. played till my entire forearm hurt. after all, dearest chopin probably didnt have half formed hands in mind when he composed those 2 brilliant pieces.

and for awhile, i forgot about all my chem and math papers with half of their questions circled and blank.

they were probably too much for my deformed brain. tried too hard to pump blood in it, body disagreed and turned on my digestive system, which explains why i've been heaving the contents from my stomach for the last few days, despite medicine.

fought sleep by wasting time blogging and going to youtube to listen to abba's old hits.

hahahahha. i realise i've heard most before, since the pub/cafe where i did a part job in last year used to play oldies (abba, beatles, the carpenters etc etc) on repeat. except i didnt take notice of the lyrics then because i was too busy burning my fingers on hot sausages and dashing about the shop in circles.

youtube links;
abba - knowing me, knowing you
abba - the piper hahahaha this is very very cute. cannot stand.
abba - i do i do i do i do this too hohoho~
abba - mamma mia
abba - dancing queen
abba - SOS
abba - thank you for the music
abba - soldiers

by far my favourite~ XD
abba - take a chance on me

after all the disgusting things you see on mtv nowadays (specially referring to half bared things that come in pairs) this induced laughter but in the good way haha.

random, but when i was traipsing through my vocab book yesterday, i came across something i wrote a very long time ago; 'steady mellifluous tenor'. laughed out loud because the first thing i thought of was you.

君、オレを笑わせる事ができるから。

laughed my sleep away *beams*

the psychoanal meaning of 'catharsis': the bringing of repressed ideas or experience to consciousness, thus relieving tension.

wow haha. i finally know why this certain instalment of the 'ao no kiseki' dramas was titled 'catharsis spell'. cathasis here referred to this extreme self effacing character called kai who suffered a short bout of amnesia, during which the optimistic and wanton youth he was in the past, whose personality he was suppressing for so long, resurfaced.

it's going into the blue notebook, which sees light only a day before major english exams. it still has the formal and informal letter format paper stuck inside, together with sec1 english notes. how nostalgic.

折れた 淡い翼 君は少し青すぎる空に疲れただけさ
もう誰かのためじゃなくて 自分のために笑っていいよ

以前として忍びよる孤独 内側にともる蝋燭
賑わうパーティー 豪華なシャンデリアと裏腹に
足りない言葉の窪みを何で埋めたらいいのだろう？
もうわからないや

せめて夢の中で
自由に泳げたら あんな空もいらないのに
昨日までのことを
塗り潰さなくても 明日に向かえるのに...

your pale, folded wings are just a little tired from the overly blue sky
it's alright to smile for yourself, and not for anyone else anymore

as in the past, loneliness steals up to me like a candle lit on the inside
so unlike the extravagant chandelier in a crowded party
what should i use to bury the cavity caused by insufficient words?
i dont know anymore

if at least in our dreams we can swim freely, we dont even need the sky anymore
if i can paint over all the things that happened up to yesterday, i'll still go to greet you tomorrow...

--- Aqua Timez, Alones.
a youtube link here

nice song. heartwarming lyrics. nice pv. the shoes are cool.

i shall sing it while pinching my nose for anyone who would listen,, after all that's how he sounds like hahaha.

read this very disgusting news article in straits times world today.

about this umno official who labelled chinese malaysians as 'squatters' and 'immigrants'. and that there can never be equality among races in malaysia. AND had the backing of all 13 divisions in penang. AND blames the chinese gerakan chief for making a fuss. AND refuses to apologise. ADN unbashedly tore up a picture of a chinese leader there.

how wonderful can some people get. malaysia truly asia?? omgosh. dont make me laugh. and dont put chinese people in that commercial if you happen to hate us so much.

usually i'm wary of local media. not because the news articles lie, but because i believe some articles will specially play up the not nice parts of umno (like our social studies textbooks). but there's this picture of him tearing up koh tsu koon's picture, 2 pictures, in fact. and a picture speaks a thousand words.

to think my mom told me that the situation is already very good now. when she and dad were young and still malaysians, they use to be on the recieving end of lots of shit because they couldnt speak malay well and wasnt malay. and got scolded by officials just because they spoke english. and never got scholarships no matter how hard they studied. now this is a first hand source, not some news article which twists facts to tweak mindsets.

super grateful to my parents for bringing me to singapore haha. if i'm still in that place, no matter how hard i study, i'll most probably be a despised 'squatter' cleaning toilets or something.

and the umno's supreme council will decide what action to take today?? hahahahaha. i bet he wont be punished too severely la, if not at all. they dont want to offend the 'rightful' citizens of malaysia after all.

relistened; Hisoyaka na Jounetsu (konishi katsuyuki x okiayu ryoutarou)!


from hisoyaka na jounetsu 02 - jounetsu no yukue

pretty illustrations by enjin yamimaru, who also did the nijuu rasen novels and saudade novels. series by touno haruhi, who writes very normal and predictable yaoi, so didn't expect a good story.

君を、愛している。

now i remember why i liked it, despite the fact that the uke wasnt.. too clean and pure in that sense haha. seiyuu wise, we cant really ask for anything better than konishi and okiayu. espiecially okiayu! how many seiyuus can slide into both seme and uke roles so seamlessly like he does??? development of plot through the 4 dramas was good, and listening to haruka and yoshito's love story actually makes me.. jealous.

... stone ...

*shakes head* jasmine, your books, your notes, your papers. hormones, shut up.

...If I were a painter
And could paint a memory
I'd climb inside the swirling skies to be with you
I'd climb inside the skies to be with you...

-- Norah jones, painter song.

why, i'll go over yours with whitewash. and then with another layer. till your memories are gone.

starting from the very first time i saw you, leaning against that pillar with that look on your face.