溜め息
悲劇の繰り返し。
片思い
am almost at the end of 'call me by your name' by andre aciman, the book french and debb got me. am beginning to think that God led them to get this book for me.
this book was a splash of cold water at my face, especially when some of my thoughts at that time so mirrors the protagonist, elio, that i'll be hit with this strong sense of deja vu, because there will be exact words and lines that came straight from my head. looking from a third person's perspective, i see quite clearly that having one way feelings and literally pining after someone who probably doesnt give a damn is infinitely pathetic, yes pathetic is the word.
i hope i wasnt under any delusions.
made me so ashamed of myself.
wont allow myself the same mistake.
rawr.
i dont know why my ankle's so lousy that it's still swollen, after having 4 whole days to heal. if it still hurts next week during pt, it's not my ankle.
on the other hand, i'm so proud of the 5 people who went for pt today :D heard that they ran 21 rounds.
this book was a splash of cold water at my face, especially when some of my thoughts at that time so mirrors the protagonist, elio, that i'll be hit with this strong sense of deja vu, because there will be exact words and lines that came straight from my head. looking from a third person's perspective, i see quite clearly that having one way feelings and literally pining after someone who probably doesnt give a damn is infinitely pathetic, yes pathetic is the word.
i hope i wasnt under any delusions.
made me so ashamed of myself.
wont allow myself the same mistake.
rawr.
i dont know why my ankle's so lousy that it's still swollen, after having 4 whole days to heal. if it still hurts next week during pt, it's not my ankle.
on the other hand, i'm so proud of the 5 people who went for pt today :D heard that they ran 21 rounds.
ありがとう
trust debb and french to know me well enough to get me a book for my birthday =). and to be zai enough to be able to choose one i would like. and to touch me sincerely with your messages haha.
lousy jasmine, to be such a sucker for these kind of things.
but thank you dears XDDD. your company and curry rice at shokudou was super nice.
lousy jasmine, to be such a sucker for these kind of things.
but thank you dears XDDD. your company and curry rice at shokudou was super nice.
グラス玉
jingwen sent me this really pretty video of multicoloured bouncing rubber balls, watch it on youtube here.
put me in the mood for some metaphoric description haha.
feels like i've been juggling glass balls for the past few weeks, what's with PW, floorball, church and japanese. tiring, but i'm so afraid of slipping up and letting any one of those balls go crashing on the floor. or maybe i've cracked and chipped some of them, and just dont know yet.
dont want to have pick up the pieces, the glass slivers.
recovering from sunday and monday. still grossly unhappy at the way i handled this whole situation in general, but i'm like, 9 months too late for any form of regret? will do it better the second time, i promise.
put me in the mood for some metaphoric description haha.
feels like i've been juggling glass balls for the past few weeks, what's with PW, floorball, church and japanese. tiring, but i'm so afraid of slipping up and letting any one of those balls go crashing on the floor. or maybe i've cracked and chipped some of them, and just dont know yet.
dont want to have pick up the pieces, the glass slivers.
recovering from sunday and monday. still grossly unhappy at the way i handled this whole situation in general, but i'm like, 9 months too late for any form of regret? will do it better the second time, i promise.
落ち込む
in a rather foul mood today. sincere apologies to those who were affected.
was reliving some of my ugliest memories from the start of the year.
those who know will know what i'm talking about, and i was recently reminded that 'those' actually encumbers quite a large number of people.
情けなくて、情けなくて、涙が出そう。
it's times like these which make me want to hurry graduate, and to be able to turn my back on such things, things which make me weak and vulnerable and definitely not the person i want to be.
i'm going to meet all the timings for pt tml, i better. not allowed to think otherwise.
maybe i shall stare at this crappy pic taken by my bro, and try to realign the smile on my face, in time to face the team tomorrow.
was reliving some of my ugliest memories from the start of the year.
those who know will know what i'm talking about, and i was recently reminded that 'those' actually encumbers quite a large number of people.
情けなくて、情けなくて、涙が出そう。
it's times like these which make me want to hurry graduate, and to be able to turn my back on such things, things which make me weak and vulnerable and definitely not the person i want to be.
i'm going to meet all the timings for pt tml, i better. not allowed to think otherwise.
maybe i shall stare at this crappy pic taken by my bro, and try to realign the smile on my face, in time to face the team tomorrow.
誕生日
yesterday...
AM
12:07: darrell
12:08: enid (thanks for calling XD)
12.11: pinglin boyboy
12:12: jingwen
12:13: daryl
12:16: wanying
12:51: cheng hsien
12:55: calvin
1:03: sheryl
1:11: suet
7:25: frenchy
7:40: sher
somewhen: karen, gabby, waner, wenqin, mat, kahyee, liu, dance people
8:07: kincheng
8:30: aunty ling
9.22: adalia
10:21: flo
PM
somewhen: suzanne
1:47: yihui
1:56: janice
2:17: shihui
2:17: pranav
3:21: pris
3:30: val
5:05: debb
5:09: xiaoshi
5:59: wensong
10:55: marcus
misc: leon, ms chng, mum, dad, erge, dage, pearlyn jiejie, barbra jiejie, richard, galvin
thank you my darlings, for remembering.
there's this bldrama called 白雨, which is being released this month. looking forward to it already.
AM
12:07: darrell
12:08: enid (thanks for calling XD)
12.11: pinglin boyboy
12:12: jingwen
12:13: daryl
12:16: wanying
12:51: cheng hsien
12:55: calvin
1:03: sheryl
1:11: suet
7:25: frenchy
7:40: sher
somewhen: karen, gabby, waner, wenqin, mat, kahyee, liu, dance people
8:07: kincheng
8:30: aunty ling
9.22: adalia
10:21: flo
PM
somewhen: suzanne
1:47: yihui
1:56: janice
2:17: shihui
2:17: pranav
3:21: pris
3:30: val
5:05: debb
5:09: xiaoshi
5:59: wensong
10:55: marcus
misc: leon, ms chng, mum, dad, erge, dage, pearlyn jiejie, barbra jiejie, richard, galvin
thank you my darlings, for remembering.
there's this bldrama called 白雨, which is being released this month. looking forward to it already.
ドキー
tired, mind body and soul.
but the last part of today really did perk me up. thank you CG. the card and affirmations were really sweet. never expected you all to do something like that for me. luckily that place was quite dark and no one could see my face burning red with embarassment. but i was still happy.
ドキドキさせちゃうくらいきれいな目とまつ毛を持っていたあの男。could hardly look away.
but the last part of today really did perk me up. thank you CG. the card and affirmations were really sweet. never expected you all to do something like that for me. luckily that place was quite dark and no one could see my face burning red with embarassment. but i was still happy.
ドキドキさせちゃうくらいきれいな目とまつ毛を持っていたあの男。could hardly look away.
こととて
everything can be likened to a race.
we keep running, running, always wanting to get ahead, aiming to get ahead. sometimes we do, sometimes we dont. and when we lag behind, well. it feels like pure shit haha. it feels even shittier if you've tried harder and still lag behind.
notice that i talk in two contexts, studies and floorball haha.
got back promotional exam results today. which were disappointing. reflects my attitude towards my books for a good part of this year. i could have studied through the nights with thick black coffee till i had permanent eye bags, like last year, till i was falling sick every few months. could have done more assessment, bugged the teachers for answers no matter how unpleasant i may think them to be. but i didnt. why?
also had our first pt session with latiff. an experience which told us in our face that the pts we've been doing up to now were insufficient, and that much much more has to be done.
now, am rather upset as to why i'm not hurting so much that i cant walk. should have met the timing for all the sets, even if i had to run till i dropped, or suffer the pain of shin splints in both legs again. but i still slowed horribly at the 4th set. what on earth is my problem?
that's why the effort i'm putting in is not enough. it's not enough at all, or so i've been lamenting a few days ago. have to start putting all of me, all strands of fibre of me into what really counts, and not waste my thoughts and energy on things that dont, need to get back the obsessive single mindedness i once had.
till then, i'll reap what i sowed.
God, i need your strength.
we keep running, running, always wanting to get ahead, aiming to get ahead. sometimes we do, sometimes we dont. and when we lag behind, well. it feels like pure shit haha. it feels even shittier if you've tried harder and still lag behind.
notice that i talk in two contexts, studies and floorball haha.
got back promotional exam results today. which were disappointing. reflects my attitude towards my books for a good part of this year. i could have studied through the nights with thick black coffee till i had permanent eye bags, like last year, till i was falling sick every few months. could have done more assessment, bugged the teachers for answers no matter how unpleasant i may think them to be. but i didnt. why?
also had our first pt session with latiff. an experience which told us in our face that the pts we've been doing up to now were insufficient, and that much much more has to be done.
now, am rather upset as to why i'm not hurting so much that i cant walk. should have met the timing for all the sets, even if i had to run till i dropped, or suffer the pain of shin splints in both legs again. but i still slowed horribly at the 4th set. what on earth is my problem?
that's why the effort i'm putting in is not enough. it's not enough at all, or so i've been lamenting a few days ago. have to start putting all of me, all strands of fibre of me into what really counts, and not waste my thoughts and energy on things that dont, need to get back the obsessive single mindedness i once had.
till then, i'll reap what i sowed.
God, i need your strength.
息ができないくらい
i'm going to have to stay far far away from you.
i cant breathe properly when you're around.
i cant breathe properly when you're around.
酔っぱらう
got a taste of being near drunk yesterday.
never was allowed to before, because things like 2 bottles of beer, two glasses of baileys, or half a bottle of wine just dont have any effect on me.
went for my parents' cellgroup gathering, and the host produced four bottles of wine. since the only ones really drinking were the two hosts and me anyway, so uncle kept filling my glass throughout dinner. and made it a point to give me more wine than usual, each time. i counted 5 glasses during dinner. then i went to the living room to play with the kids, and i dont remember a time i played so happily with children haha. uncle kept coming over to refill my glass. up to about 8, i lost count haha. the refilling didnt stop, i only remembered smiling and thanking him, but as to exactly how much i took after that, i just didnt remember, it was just a blank space in my memory. was damn scary, cos i could have overshot 10 glasses of wine in total. didnt even know 4 hours had passed and it was midnight. couldnt even remember the content of the movie i watched with the kids. could hardly type out coherent answers to smses that came. then uncle happily opened a bottle of beer for me and of course i finished that also.
and i always thought authors were exaggerating when they said the room will spin when you're drunk? i guess it wasnt a hyperbole after all. cos the room really did spin for me after that. near sounds i heard as far, and faraway voices i heard as near. when it was time to go, it was taking all, all of my precious willpower to walk in a straight line and to act like i'm okay, so that my parents dont find out that i was that affected. and they didnt, thank goodness.
thank God i was with family when i kind of brushed near my limit (i dont want to know what i'll do if i go beyond it). that was abit too much for me, i'm sad to say, but i guess that i'll never never never drink like that when i'm outside. like never never never. drunk people just dont make a pretty sight.
have to do WR with an amazing headache now, but it bleddy served me right. :X
never was allowed to before, because things like 2 bottles of beer, two glasses of baileys, or half a bottle of wine just dont have any effect on me.
went for my parents' cellgroup gathering, and the host produced four bottles of wine. since the only ones really drinking were the two hosts and me anyway, so uncle kept filling my glass throughout dinner. and made it a point to give me more wine than usual, each time. i counted 5 glasses during dinner. then i went to the living room to play with the kids, and i dont remember a time i played so happily with children haha. uncle kept coming over to refill my glass. up to about 8, i lost count haha. the refilling didnt stop, i only remembered smiling and thanking him, but as to exactly how much i took after that, i just didnt remember, it was just a blank space in my memory. was damn scary, cos i could have overshot 10 glasses of wine in total. didnt even know 4 hours had passed and it was midnight. couldnt even remember the content of the movie i watched with the kids. could hardly type out coherent answers to smses that came. then uncle happily opened a bottle of beer for me and of course i finished that also.
and i always thought authors were exaggerating when they said the room will spin when you're drunk? i guess it wasnt a hyperbole after all. cos the room really did spin for me after that. near sounds i heard as far, and faraway voices i heard as near. when it was time to go, it was taking all, all of my precious willpower to walk in a straight line and to act like i'm okay, so that my parents dont find out that i was that affected. and they didnt, thank goodness.
thank God i was with family when i kind of brushed near my limit (i dont want to know what i'll do if i go beyond it). that was abit too much for me, i'm sad to say, but i guess that i'll never never never drink like that when i'm outside. like never never never. drunk people just dont make a pretty sight.
have to do WR with an amazing headache now, but it bleddy served me right. :X
何処かにいる誰かを
never believed in my capabilities, never thought that i had any in the first place.
but now i cannot be like this. because now, there are people whom i'm just not going to let down.
but now i cannot be like this. because now, there are people whom i'm just not going to let down.
有意義
命あっての物種
the fundamentals of everything are only possible because there is life.
--something in my kanzen master grammar textbook
book's more than half done. cant wait to finish grammar so that i can start on kanji. cant wait to finish that too, so that i can start on reading and understanding, which seems to be the most interesting, considering what i have to study now. some of the grammar are those annoying formal written forms, meaning i've never heard any of these forms in bldrama or anime before.
positively burying myself in distractions like PW, jlpt and manga. the past week and this week so far have been unusually full of disppointments and personal failures. speculate that there will be more to come, when promo results are released next wednesday.
till then,
知らぬが仏
literally, ignorance is buddha, meaning, ignorance is bliss.
the fundamentals of everything are only possible because there is life.
--something in my kanzen master grammar textbook
book's more than half done. cant wait to finish grammar so that i can start on kanji. cant wait to finish that too, so that i can start on reading and understanding, which seems to be the most interesting, considering what i have to study now. some of the grammar are those annoying formal written forms, meaning i've never heard any of these forms in bldrama or anime before.
positively burying myself in distractions like PW, jlpt and manga. the past week and this week so far have been unusually full of disppointments and personal failures. speculate that there will be more to come, when promo results are released next wednesday.
till then,
知らぬが仏
literally, ignorance is buddha, meaning, ignorance is bliss.
オレの手の中に
was reading the first two volumes of CROWN, by higuri you. probably had all the wind knocked out of me because the manga art was nice, very nice. so much that i almost forgot to get off the bus when it stopped at the interchange.
no suspicious looks please. for once, the character is the middle of the picture is female.
apparently, the mangaka also does mild shounen ai manga like 'gakuen heaven', 'gorgeous carat' etc etc. but i didnt know that when i picked up this supposedly good, clean action genre manga from the huge collection in tenchi at a whim.
just like the time i randomly got another good, clean manga by shinobu gotou, and subsequently found out that she also did the 'takumi kun' series, a prominent shounen ai manga series.
i think i unknowingly attract yaoi mangakas like a magnet.
anyway.
i'll probably have to wait a year or so, till volume 3 gets released in traditional chinese, because CROWN is an ultra slow releasing manga. reminscent of 'wild adapter', which also releases at a rate of 1 volume per 1.5 years.
no suspicious looks please. for once, the character is the middle of the picture is female.
apparently, the mangaka also does mild shounen ai manga like 'gakuen heaven', 'gorgeous carat' etc etc. but i didnt know that when i picked up this supposedly good, clean action genre manga from the huge collection in tenchi at a whim.
just like the time i randomly got another good, clean manga by shinobu gotou, and subsequently found out that she also did the 'takumi kun' series, a prominent shounen ai manga series.
i think i unknowingly attract yaoi mangakas like a magnet.
anyway.
i'll probably have to wait a year or so, till volume 3 gets released in traditional chinese, because CROWN is an ultra slow releasing manga. reminscent of 'wild adapter', which also releases at a rate of 1 volume per 1.5 years.
越えらる
いろいろ言いたくてこの記事を書いたんだ。相手は分かってはくれないだろうけどね。*wry smile*
ヒグマに：やっと感情に鳧が付けられる。あんた、オレに全く興味がない事を、はっきり分かった。理由を考えるのを止めた。オレを絶対に好きにならない奴を思うより、オレはバカじゃない。もう過去の存在にしているから、安心して。せめて、話し合っている時に目くらい合わせてもいいよ。*bitterly*
フローボール部にいるだれかに：本当の事を言おう。オレ、実はがっかりの余り、なにも言えなかったんだ。素直におめでとうと言ってあげるつもりなのに、言葉が出ない。このオレが、すごくいやなんだよ。能力が足りないって事を認めるのが辛くて.. ごめんなさい。ごめんなさい。来年の試合のために、もっとがんばると約束する。プレイヤとしても、キーパーとしてもね。
ハナノさん、アマさん：なんか酷い名前を付けられたね。君達のやり方に文句はあるが、いちよう受ける事にしたんだ。その代わり、オレの醜い所も、受けてください。
以上。全部吐き出して、いい気分だ。
ヒグマに：やっと感情に鳧が付けられる。あんた、オレに全く興味がない事を、はっきり分かった。理由を考えるのを止めた。オレを絶対に好きにならない奴を思うより、オレはバカじゃない。もう過去の存在にしているから、安心して。せめて、話し合っている時に目くらい合わせてもいいよ。*bitterly*
フローボール部にいるだれかに：本当の事を言おう。オレ、実はがっかりの余り、なにも言えなかったんだ。素直におめでとうと言ってあげるつもりなのに、言葉が出ない。このオレが、すごくいやなんだよ。能力が足りないって事を認めるのが辛くて.. ごめんなさい。ごめんなさい。来年の試合のために、もっとがんばると約束する。プレイヤとしても、キーパーとしてもね。
ハナノさん、アマさん：なんか酷い名前を付けられたね。君達のやり方に文句はあるが、いちよう受ける事にしたんだ。その代わり、オレの醜い所も、受けてください。
以上。全部吐き出して、いい気分だ。
でも諦めたくないから
first few chapters down out of a few hundred chapters. feel like i'm taking the first few steps on a very very long road.
want to pass so badly.
悲しい時に「悲しい」と告げるのは
弱いってことかな
辛いときに「辛い」と
打ち明けていいかな
when i tell you that 'i'm sad' when i'm sad
is that being weak?
i wonder if it's alright
to be frank and say that i'm heartbroken?
---Life Goes On by Chemistry
can i?
want to pass so badly.
悲しい時に「悲しい」と告げるのは
弱いってことかな
辛いときに「辛い」と
打ち明けていいかな
when i tell you that 'i'm sad' when i'm sad
is that being weak?
i wonder if it's alright
to be frank and say that i'm heartbroken?
---Life Goes On by Chemistry
can i?
ナナ
rewatched the first 'nana' movie, a love story without all the romantic crap.
背中を流し合うing in a bathtub is beginning to sound really good haha.
like father, like daughter.
背中を流し合うing in a bathtub is beginning to sound really good haha.
like father, like daughter.
