listened to 'hakuu' (taniyama kishou x takeuchi ken), which was surprisingly good.
i seriously love takeuchi ken's dramas. somehow he can inject so much sincerity into his voice that the uke roles that he does sound so real, so genuine, that the whole drama seems to come alive, and you feel his character so much that when he cries, you feel like crying too. okay, i used alot of hyperboles, but this is relative to many uke roles i've heard, the kind that when i hear the seiyuu go '愛している' to his seme, i roll my eyes haha.
quite scary to know that people can say 'i love you' so convincingly without meaning it. wonder how many people do so everyday.
聞いた時、ドキっときた。
i understand your intentions, you always meant well. (i think). which is why i swallow my disappointment and bite back the urge to make other biting comments and let out all the black feelings i harbour everytime you do this.. breathe in, breathe out. in. out. silence is golden.
effening~
why wasnt i born male?
cold, very cold, figuratively.
i miss them badly.
wonder how they're doing.
how i wish i can hurry play nationals, finish A' levels, and graduate without looking back, leaving all the misery and 不安 behind, taking only the few good memories along with me.
また一年が過ぎようとしている。クラスにだれにも心が開けないままだ。オレと一緒に勉強をしたり、食事をとったり、話したり、笑ったり、授業に出たりする人は、まだ親友だといえない。いつもそばにいるいい友なはずなんだけど、時々余所余所しい遠い存在に感じる。
辛い時に、支えてくれないだろう。
こんな弱虫は、来年をどうやって一人で乗り越えるんだろう。
神様、一人ではなにもできそうにないので、どうか見守ってください。
watched vampire knight guilty ep 7.
suddenly can draw many parallels between kuran kaname, edward from meyer's twilight series and some of the vampires from anne rice's novels.
tall, fair, dark haired, deep and mysterious, deceptively gentle, slightly creepy, and very powerful. and there's this disturbing eroticism ever present in vampire tales, which somehow makes these characters sexier.
the fangirls' reactions will be very predictable hahaha.
and i'm a guilty victim :o.
kuran kaname, night class's dorm head
rueful, but i dont seem to have any choice but to turn into a female demon equivalent on tuesday, wednesday, and friday mornings.
*_* i see tussles with people whom i love, unpleasant confrontations and hurt feelings already, all on the horizon. you can be sure i'm not looking forward to those.
but we're so weak; mentally, physically, stickwork wise, that it gives me frissons. i've tried to give up on using brute force to help push the team in shape, but since the soft approach doesnt bring forth results, i wont hold back now.
NJfloorball, you know i love you girls, so it's okay even if you all dont understand now. =<
覚悟はしておいたのさ。
have very interesting purple contusion marks all over me, all floorball shaped complete with cuts for each hole on the ball. honestly i wouldnt mind more, because it would have meant i had blocked more shots. this is on top of an ailing ankle and very very tired thigh muscles. have returned to the keeper position for 2 weeks already. and sometimes, esp during certain drills (am convinced that certain drills are designed to kill the keeper. imagine the faking-past-the-keeper drill, it's like a penalty shot during which the player can pull back the ball and basically screw the keeper in any way she likes), i feel like i'm some retard rolling around in the dirt on the floor on her knees in desperation, trying to best someone who can run circles around me and who could whack the ball into the goal faster than i can throw it out.
and yes, again having to deal with the blow that somes with every time i hear the ball come into contact with the net behind. and having to dig out the ball from the net after the failure.
have to make up for lack of talent and size with hard work and sacrifice.
waner dear, you can do it ;D
dear God, please give me strength and hold back my tears.
one team, one dream; one heart, one soul # <3 you
the more i read, both history and recent news, the more i think big countries are just big bullies. who probably doesnt like the fact that small countries are holding on to wealth they dont have.
what happened to switzerland might happen to us, very soon.
a point of time in the past, i let personal relationships fester and sour to a point of no return, just to meet certain objectives. i thought that if things will get done well, everyone will benefit, and they would understand.
now i look back, and wonder if it was the right thing to do, and whether apologies would help. i wonder how differently things would have turned out. and whether the same results could have be achieved without the need for all the pushing and harsh words. would kind words and leniency motivate people in the same way?
yet, i know if given a second chance, i wouldnt have done things differently.
all this reflecting makes me more hesitant to use the iron fist now, because i realise there is a fair bit of remorse and regret interspersed in those memories. so now, i cant seem to be able to turn a blind ear to complaints, or to be merciless and tell them to run more when they say they cant. though i believe wholeheartedly that they can. and our goal of top 4 is getting so unbearably out of reach that i want to gnash my teeth in frustration.
it's a difficult situation.
just a quick one, before i go back to the study table..
the script of the dramatized 'wild adapter' series by minekura kazuya is pure brilliance.
imagine; "Interested in nothing, yet fiercely curious about everything. Acts like he doesn't care, but with so much desire in his eyes. Only caring for himself, but completely masochistic. Needing nothing, clinging to everything. Chaos existing inside tight order...All of these fevered colors merging into black...and disappearing. He's just like this city."--said of kubota, from wiki
i heard that the 6th book is finally out, after 2 years of inactivity. wait till i get my hands on it, hohoho. pure joy.
i can actually feel fatigue creeping from my bones to behind my eyeballs.
fought the initial symptoms of flu while struggling to finish rewriting chem notes. yes struggling, because i've overestimated the speed of my brain in my schedule.
or perhaps i've misplaced my brain somewhere, perhaps left it in st nicks, where all the love was.
couldnt help but smile wryly at myself when i remembered that 15min ago, i was, in all honesty, ready to throw myself out of the window because i couldnt draw the canonical structures of the ethanoate ion.. well. and the thought of calling my chem teacher for help would aid me in jumping off the building, because he has always wondered why a retard was allocated into his stream class, and it always shows up in his voice, even over the phone.
why dont i see it? why cant i understand it? why didnt perusing textbooks all day help? why cant i do a question that many people in class can do in their sleep? i guess my chem teacher is right after all. maybe i have a quarter of the normal number of synapses, only the doctor didnt realise.
i wont want to know what will happen if i start on math. >_>
grossly behind schedule for my school subjects.
hell, i havent even finished jlpt revision, and i couldnt do the sougo exercises.
havent perfected the goalie throwout.
havent even planned HC for friday.
seems like if i just relax my shoulders a little.. everything will come crashing down,
and so, since my mood is positively black, let all my glass balls fall and crack. i'm going to succumb to the drowsy cough medicine and go sleep.
and yea yea sure, tomorrow will be a new day.
what if the british took over america? read
this, have a laugh.
political idealogies, as explained by two cows,
here. have another laugh.
このままでは、今までやっていた事は君の行動を促すためだと否定できなくなる。
オレ達はまだまだ、なにも知らない子供だから、余計な事をするのが恐い。
見っともないが、とても恐い。
オレの勝手な思い込みなんだろうか？あの時が来たら、オレが投げたボール、受け取ってくれるかい？
you can do this, jasmine. you can you can. it's merely an exam which 90% of all applicants fail every year. x_x
finally got a tube of sunblock lotion, after i've already destroyed the last thing about my appearance that i was proud of, my white skin. wow, how very useful. it's like trying to mop up spilt milk and squeezing it back into the cup.
in the past, a thousand kegs of beer wouldnt have me getting burnt in the sun on a regular basis, but apparently, floorball did.
vanity come, vanity gone. since there's pretty much nothing left to be vain about anymore. so, i'm free of another set of shackles.
this cheered me up.
so breathtakingly pretty. i'm going to pave my way to japan, i will. willing to study all the kanji it takes..
changing the subject, i stumbled on the phrase 'freudian slip' while wandering about youtube, so now i finally know what it means. XD
オレも、いっぱい笑って、泣いて、幸せになりたいよ。
tml.
once again going to put on a keeper suit, thick pads and a helmet. being confined in a little box after running miles during PT. having to do keeper drills for hours, which are so boring and repetitive that you can fall asleep doing them. kneeling on the floor with hands up and being the target of many zealous flying floorballs, and having sore palms from batting those balls away. feeling the same familiar fear when the ball gets into a 4 metre radius of the goal, because the players with the ball wont hesitate to kill you as long they can score a goal. literally wiping the floor clean while diving for the ball during penalties. experiencing the absolutely disgusting feeling of failure whenever the ball bypasses you to collide with the back of the net behind you. in short, a position which i honestly think is the most unglam and unappreciated in floorball.
but strangely enough, no hard feelings. i'm going back to the floor, it's just like going back home hahaha.
after all, it's for my beloved team. a team we are worried sick about right now. how can we be faster? better with the stick? improve our shots? improve our dribbling? shine next year during nationals? feel so helpless, so helpless, because the PT and drills dont seem to be working very well, we dont see coach often, and we dont know what else to do. :(
how, how do i ignite a fire in each and every one of them? to make them all see the common goal and strive for it? to want the top 4 position next year so much that they will run extra on their own if they're not fast enough? to do extra stickwork on their own if their stickwork is not good enough? i really dont know. but i'm going to find a way.
time isnt on our side.
till then, i'll guard the goal with my life and with all the surface area i can muster, i promise to.
got all the complete singles by ayumi hamasaki, all in one box set. have been waiting for a bumper album to come out so that i can get all her songs at a cheaper price XDDDD
guilty pleasure.
too heavy.. or too vague? i really dont know.
abit disppointed with the way yamane ayano sensei's 'fainda no hyouteki' ended. really, after all the spectacular plot twists, it all boils down to.. this? abit anticlimax, isnt it. esp after waiting for the last chapter with such anticipation for months, sigh.
ignore me, i'm just being sore about the fact that takaba akihito lost his spunk and became so pliable and stereotypical uke-ish in the end. even if his partner was The Asami Ryuuichi. really, i dont like it when ukes dumb down and weep all over their seme. it make yaoi no different from the typical japanese hetero anime couples, where most of the female leads in love are missing some brains and some parts of their backbone.
which makes it ironical to say that i'm on my way there.
bleah.
lime margarita
i have a craving for one of these now, pity that i'm about a year away from getting one.
beginning to be unable to figure out the rationale behind why i do certain things. and sometimes i'll get lost in my own reverie, lost in my own thoughts, lost in regret for the years i've lost, before i slap myself back into reality. the last time, i didnt know any better, so i indulged in them. which was a key reason as to why i fell so hard when nothing happened. so this time i have to make an effort to quell them.
it's a distraction, from my jlpt studies, from my holiday revision. whether in a good or bad way, i really dont know.
and it's really all your fault, even if you dont know now. though i do hope that you'll figure out soon enough. but again, i'm afraid of what you'll do when you do.
see why i shouldnt think about such things. i get a bleddy headache everytime i do.
...空が地を求め
like how the sky desires for the ground,
花が雨を待ち
like how the flowers wait for the rain
夜が明日を恋うように
like how the night falls in love with tomorrow
二つの心が 一つだったこと こんなにも求めてたの...
to think that i had yearned so much for the two hearts to be one.
-- Rinne ~Rondo~ by On/Off from Vampire Knight Guilty
before i knew it, i had sped-watched all of vampire knight's episodes up the latest second season episode. despite the fact that it's supposed to be a shoujo anime hahahaha.
reflect, jasmine, reflect.
kiryuu, yuuki, and kaname
but really, the animation is quite nice, even if i do wish that yuuki's eyes arent so unnaturally large. and even if i cant see focus in the unnecessarily angsty plot sometimes, looking at the bishounens and the friction between them is quite enough, really.
after all, which fangirl can not fall in love with kaname senpai, creepiness and all? =P.
again i must say that jlpt 1 grammar is very daunting.
i'm only halfway through the book even after a week of intense kanji chionging, and the book seems to get thicker and thicker the more i look at it. worse still, i've probably heard of only 10% of the kanji i've just learnt. means that years of listening to informal speech in bldrama wont save my ass in jlpt 1, like it so kindly did in jlpt 2.
going stark mad.
maybe by the time i've overworked my limited number of neurons, i'll wind up in an asylum.
but i wont give up, i know i wont. because i'm much much more afraid of failing the exam.
i'm going to pass. i'm going to pass. i'm going to pass. i'm going to pass. i'm going to pass. i'm going to pass. i'm going to pass. i'm going to pass. pass pass pass. with a percentage well above the passing mark.
頑張ろうなぁ、ムスコ！
those who have listened to the bldrama 'egoism' will see the ribald joke in that wahahahahaha.XD
in retrospect, before i realised it, i had spent hours on the computer exhausting my meagre search skills to find for a certain something. and read many entries by many people which i actually shouldnt have. felt like some stalker and also felt very foolish after that, but i shall not dwell on why i care so much, and why it gets on my nerves. am not ready to admit anything yet.
考え込むと、また危ない所に着きそうからね。
olehh. OP exam was today. now i can finally show the PW module the sole of my foot and the front door.
again i ponder if i had being doing things wrong till now.
if i had, i'm sorry.
...癒えない痛み悲しみでキズついた君
you, who had been inflicted with wounds and pains that dont heal
もう笑えないなんて人嫌いなんて言葉そう言わないで
dont say things like you cant smile or that you hate people
見えない未来に起こる事 全てに意味があるから
there is meaning in the things that will happen in the unseen future
今はそのままでいい きっと気づける 時が来るだろ...
so stay the way you are, and perhaps the time will come when you will realize
--- D tecno-life by UVERworld
see, infer, think, understand, overcome that barrier and take the first step.
then i'll throw away my past for you.
