junjou romantica season 2 is out!
i must be living under rocks, it was out long ago, its run has finished, and i just found out about it.
looking forward to more nowaki x hiroki.
was thinking about next year.
by the time i come back from taiwan, it'll be year 2009. and it'll be a year with alot of shit to wade through.
not really looking forward to the next school year. seems that when i put too much of myself in another circle, i get more and more isolated from my old one. i cant help it, it was so comfortable being myself when around the floorball team, that now going back to unnatural silence and putting on a farcade will prove to be unbearable.
during O levels last year, i had strong support from classmates i trusted, friends so alike, close and connected that we literally felt that we were going through thick and thin together. they'll remind me to study, encourage me to work hard, scold me when i slacken. and O levels wasnt that scary after all.
will i be so blessed next year? probably not. okay, honestly, no.
that's why i grow cold once i think of A levels. because when my mild depression symptoms return because of academic stress, precious few will be close enough to come to prop me up.
you see, for all my big talk, i guess i'm a pretty useless person.
so can you imagine what will happen if i hadnt realised that God will be with me during those times? gallons of alcohol and antidepressants probably wont save me.
and because He's watching over me, i can put on a new smile for tomorrow, a new smile for nationals, a new smile for A levels, a new smile for next year.
what inner peace.
be strong and of a good courage, be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed. for the Lord thy God is with thee, withersoever thou goest. --joshua 1:3
in that split second, i realised how big the difference was. and i remembered the reasons why i wanted a clean slate that both of us could start with.
it's okay, actually. i'm not that affected, which itself said alot. it's just a good lesson learnt.
and i'm speaking in riddles. :/
suddenly makes me want to play floorball. goalie training is almost therapeutic. imagine having to follow and concentrate on the small white holey ball and nothing else for 45min. perfect for getting your mind off unpleasant things.
that aside, happy birthday, Jesus. love you.
after sportlight camp, i've realised (not for the first time) that my goalkeeping is pretty much like pure shit. have thoroughly embarassed myself for the entire course of the camp. really, i cant do a single freaking thing without the whole team with me. miss them, cant wait to play for njc again XS. anyway, i had prayed for people to come talk to me, critisize my goalkeeping and give me tips on how to be a better goalkeeper, and they came in swarms. really. God actually answers alot of my prayers, just that i didnt notice up to now.
have now destroyed my immune system after attending 2 camps back to back. so now my throat's painfully swollen and my voice is totally gone. i probably deserved it, because i didnt take care of myself when the symptoms appeared and dragged on for about 2 weeks. hope the medicine kills the virus before christmas. dont want to reduce my christmas alcohol intake hahah.
God's strength and the human will; i think we dont even need to draw a comparison. so am toying with the idea of changing the 'i can' into 'He can through me'. perhaps certain stubborn perceptions would change.
anyway, whether i liked it or not, i've made promises to people today. which i intend to keep, no matter how much i'll regret later on (frankly, i know i will waver, because i'm such a hopeless and faithless piece of shit). counting on you all to hold me accountable.
till then, i need a long nap, to make up for lost sleep last night. i didnt know that it was humanly possible to stay up till 6am plus just to talk and share.
i believe in the power of the human will.
it refuses to let you to slow your pace even when you're trembling with fatigue halfway through PT, esp this thing called latiff PT. it allows you to appear perfectly fine and sober, when in actual fact you're dead drunk. it gives you self control to keep your mouth shut when both of your parents tell you almost everyday that you have deformed yourself by playing floorball in the sun and getting a tan, so much till no guy will marry you. it is the pushing force that allows you to push out from the goal when a forward nears, even when you remember the bruising pain of contact with the guys' drag/slap shots (and have lasting evidence on your chest to prove it).
so. it should probabaly help me overcome the next 4 days, when i have do something which my heart isnt in. i know, i know, when one's heart isnt in it, this is something that becomes even worse than meaningless. but i dont lie to myself and echo those who say with heartfelt enthusiasm, that they have been looking forward to this for so long.
i just wanted to keep the promise that i made in june, and that's probably all.
and yes, i know i'm a sad case.
...but i will go down with this ship
i wont put my hands up and surrender
there will be no white flag above my door
i'm in love and always will be..
---white flag, by dido
and i finally can say with a smile, that it's okay, i dont mind just looking from afar, and never progressing from there.
IJ friendly tml! ole. no fear. no fear. even if there is, never let it show.
go NJFB, all of you will have all my love instead.
JLPT 1 is over, finally.
grammar section and kanji section was nothing special. comphrehension and listening screwed me up and down. pretty much all, actually. can only wait for the letter to come next year, telling me whether i passed or not.
can finally nurse away my flu in peace.
finally got to watch vampire knight guilty episode 9, which i have been putting off till after the exam.., only to be presented with another cliffhanger :/. somehow i wish yuuki will hurry up display her prowess as a vampire and start fighting with someone, rather than angsting away the whole episode. am alreadt tempted to read the manga and spoil the anime for myself haha.
'ai nante kueru ka ya' is in my ipod now. it already sounds like a brainless bldrama, but it's okay, everything is worth a try. ;D
i see improvement, i see growth, i see us getting there. inching there, but in that direction.
omgosh, it makes me so damn happy.
いやいやいや違う。まあ、違わないけど、aaargh.
素直になった方がいいのかも。
it's the 5th day i'm having dreams with floorball in it. should dream of something else tonight, maybe of a litre of beer, make it oktoberfest from brewerkz hohoho. XD
時々、不安が込み上げてくる。
いいキーパーになれるかどうか。来年、役に立つだろうか。
それが頭に一杯で、情の事を深く考えなくなったんだ。
失敗するたび、膝が痛くても、心がもっと痛むから。
強がりたくて、息ができない。
苦しい。
めちゃくちゃだ。
still feel like shit when i concede shots. thought that i had dealt with this a long time ago, but i'm having trouble swallowing my fear of letting down the team. and i still dont know how i'm supposed to look intimidating, when i'm just a small black blob (albeit with an oversized helmet) in front of the goal.
plus all the worrying for the stickplayers in the team, well. i've dreamt floorball for the past 4 consecutive days, for a reason.
as for monday, i'm still utterly ashamed. very thankful that not many people saw, and that the helmet shielded my face most of the time.
didnt have strength to hold back the tears.
